Vanessa Bryant has been the model of composure since the death of her husband Kobe Bryant, and their daughter Gianna Bryant, in a helicopter crash this past January. But in a new, emotional post, she’s sharing exactly what’s on her mind and in her heart.

Via Instagram, she posted a video of the highlights from Kobe’s incredible last day as a Laker, commemorating “Mamba Day,” the day (April 13, 2016) Kobe Bryant officially retired from the NBA with a legendary 60-point performance. In the caption, Vanessa expressed how difficult the past few months have been for her and her daughters.

“My husband worked his ass off for 20 years. Gave it his all. All he wanted was to spend time with our girls and me to make up for lost time,” she wrote. “He wanted to be there for every single milestone and special moment in our girls lives. He only got to enjoy 3 years and 9 months of retirement. We had 2 more daughters, he won an Oscar, he opened Granity studios, he became a 5x best selling author and coached Gianna’s basketball team in that time. She worked hard and gave her all 7 days a week just like her daddy. I wish I could back to that morning, every day. I wish they had a normal local game on 1/26. Life truly isn’t fair. This is just senseless.”

Watch the video, below: