Good morning, fellow news consumers. While you were asleep, the continental United States experienced a seismic shift. Now what we're about to tell you isn't a national emergency per se, but it will definitely leave you somewhat befuddled, so hold onto your wig. 

Reader discretion is advised.

In the wee hours of last evening, a cadre of wealthy youths assembled with the sole objective of spending their parents' money. The location was Las Vegas and said rich kids included the likes of none other than EJ Johnson...and Tiffany Trump. Though the gathering in question may have happened in Vegas, it did not stay there.

While celebrating a mutual friend's birthday, Tiffany and EJ cozied up with one another, even taking the time to very naturally pose on top of a piece of large upholstered furniture. EJ wore a sequin bustier, a fur stole, thigh-high boots and a full-on facebeat. Tiffany wore an outfit that looks like its from Bebe but is probably expensive. Suggestion: Rich kids, if you really are a true friend to Tiffany, y'all would hide her eyeliner from her. It's for her own good. But we digress.

EJ sure is serving, and if like us, you're thinking, "Protect EJ at all costs!" fret not. Our tax dollars are hard at work providing Secret Service detail to a gaggle of Instagram's richest kids — at least when they're in the company of Tiffany.

How do we go back to normal life after learning of this information? Truthfully, we don't know. Hit us up if you find the answer, though.