Ron DeSantis wants teenagers working more hours, longer days, and with fewer breaks—all to patch up the labor gap left by undocumented immigrants he pushed out of Florida. Yes, in 2025, the state’s solution to a workforce crisis isn’t better wages or humane immigration reform. It’s sending 16-year-olds straight from algebra to a 10-hour kitchen shift.

If that sounds like a plot twist from The Hunger Games: Florida Edition, buckle up. Because if we’re rolling back child labor laws in the name of nostalgia, we might as well go full retro. Think chamber pots, gator wrestling, and maybe even a little witch burning to spice things up.

Here’s a satirical look at the next logical steps in DeSantis’ Back-to-the-Past policy playbook.

Why invest in firefighters when we can hand teens a bucket and a dream? High schoolers will now be required to attend “Firefighting Fridays,” where they’ll run buckets of water from the nearest swamp to your burning home. Extra credit if they save your grandma’s cat.

New legislation encourages teens to shadow retirees and learn how to properly dispose of human waste — no indoor plumbing needed! A skill every young Floridian should master in the event we defund sanitation departments in the name of freedom.

Literal bootstraps. Every Florida child will now be issued a pair of leather boots and a rope. If they can’t lift themselves off the ground by tugging real hard, well, maybe they just don’t want it bad enough.

Because if you’re going to work instead of study, why not learn a skill that was obsolete by the time your grandma met your grandpa? Ron says rotary phones build character.

“Let’s not go back too far,” says DeSantis. “But it’s time we stop these kale-eating radicals from mixing with the meat-and-potatoes crowd.” Vegan teens will now dine behind a curtain and are only allowed one serving of hummus per day. No exceptions.

To “help Florida teens build grit,” the governor proposes a plan where they can work for free for seven years to pay off a state-issued iPad. “It's not exploitation if it builds character,” says Ron, quoting an 1840s mill owner.

To crack down on TikTok witches and astrology girlies, DeSantis wants to bring back witch trials — but with a twist. If you float in the local retention pond after being tied to a Publix shopping cart, you’re clearly a threat to national security.

Want that high school diploma? Wrestle a gator. If you survive, you're ready for college. If you don’t, well, that’s natural selection. Ron says Darwin was right about some things

All jokes aside, when a government starts solving modern problems with outdated solutions—especially at the expense of children—it’s time to ask who’s really benefiting. Rolling back child labor protections doesn’t empower teens; it exposes them to exploitation, sidesteps meaningful immigration reform, and caters to industries that want cheap, disposable labor.

This isn’t about building character—it’s about dismantling safeguards. And if we’re not careful, the satire won’t be far from reality. What starts with longer shifts for 16-year-olds could snowball into a generation of kids forced to grow up too fast in a system that keeps asking them to do more with less.

Florida deserves better. So do its kids.